Greetings, my dearest friends. Blessings for every one of
you.
Many of my friends are indeed progressing. Sometimes this
progress manifests, at least temporarily, as crisis. You know this as a
principle, but it is easy to forget this spiritual law when you are
submerged in crisis. Therefore, it is all the more important to
remember there is deep significance in the crisis you experience.
Your attempt to understand it at its depth will bring you liberation and
joyous living all the more quickly, liberation and joy that is real and
permanent.
Tonight's topic deals with relationship between human beings and its
tremendous significance from the spiritual point of view - from the point
of view of individual growth and unification. First, I would like to
point out once again that on the level of manifestation in human life,
individual units of consciousness exist. These units sometimes
harmonize, but very often conflict with one another and create friction
and crisis. Yet behind this level of manifestation there are no
different, fragmented units of consciousness. There is only one
consciousness, of which every created entity is a different
expression. When one comes into one's own, one experiences this
truth without, however, losing a sense of individuality. This can be felt
very distinctly when you deal with your own inner disharmonies. The
exact same principle applies there also.
In your present state, a part of your innermost being is developed and
governs your thinking, feeling, willing, and acting. Other parts,
still in a lower state of development, also govern and influence your
thinking, feeling, willing, and acting. Thus you find yourself
divided, which always creates tension, pain, anxiety, and inner and outer
difficulties. Some aspects of your personality are in truth, others
in error and distortion. The resulting confusion causes grave
disturbance. A person usually pushes one side out of the way and
identifies with the other. This superficial denial of part of what exists
cannot bring unification. Quite the contrary, it widens the
split. What must be done is to bring out the deviating, conflicting
side and face it - face the entire ambivalence. Only then will you
find the ultimate reality of your undivided, unified self. As you
know, unification and peace emerge to the degree that you recognize,
accept, and understand the nature of your inner conflict and split.
The same principle applies to the dissension between entities that seem
outwardly separate and different. Behind the level of appearance
they also are part of one consciousness. The dissension is not
caused by actual differences but, as with the inner dissension in one
person, by differently developed aspects of the manifesting universal
consciousness. The principle of unification is exactly the
same. Yet this principle cannot be executed with another person
unless it has been applied first to one's inner self. If the
divergent parts of a self are not approached according to this truth and
ambivalence not faced, accepted, and understood within a self, the process
of unification cannot be put into practice with another person. This
very important fact explains the great emphasis of this pathwork on one's
own unification process. Only then can relationship be cultivated in
a meaningful and effective way.
In this lecture I shall outline some elements of dissension and
unification between human beings and show how these parallel the
individual process. First I should like to say that relationship
represents the greatest challenge for the individual. It is only in
relationship with others that unresolved problems - the difficulties and
conflicts that still exist within the individual human psyche - are
affected and activated. Because of this, many individuals withdraw
from contact and interaction with others. Sometimes the illusion can
be maintained that the problems arise from the other person because one
feels disturbance only in the presence of others, and not when by oneself.
Being alone elicits the inner call for contact. The less that
contact is cultivated, the more acute the longing becomes. This is a
different kind of pain from that felt in the presence of others - the pain
of loneliness and frustration. Contact makes it difficult to
maintain for very long the illusion that the inner self is faultless and
harmonious. It requires mental aberration to claim repeatedly that
others and not the self are the cause when problems arise in
relationships. This is why relationship is simultaneously a
fulfillment, a challenge, and a gauge to one's inner state. The
friction that arises from relating with others can be a sharp instrument
for self-recognition and purification.
Many aspects of inner problems are never activated when one withdraws
from this challenge and sacrifices the fulfillment of intimate
contact. The resulting illusion of inner peace and unity has even
led to the idea that spiritual growth is furthered by isolation.
Nothing could be farther from the truth. Intervals of seclusion are
necessary for inner concentration and self-confrontation. But these
periods should always alternate with contact. The more intimate such
contact is, the more it bespeaks of spiritual maturity.
Contact and lack of contact with others can be observed in various
stages between the two extreme poles of isolation and intimacy. At
one end is total outer and inner isolation. At the other end is the
deepest, most intimate relatedness. In that relatedness, there is a
capacity to love and to accept others, to deal with them and with mutually
arising problems, to find balance between self-assertion and giving in, to
give and receive, to be acutely aware of the interacting levels between
the selves. Some people have obtained a certain superficial ability
to relate, but still withdraw from more meaningful, open, unmasked, inner
mutual revealing and contacting. I might say that the average human
being of today fluctuates somewhere between the two ends of the pole.
One can measure one's personal sense of fulfillment or frustration by
the depth of relatedness and intimate contact, by the strength of feelings
one permits oneself to experience, and by the openness and willingness to
give and receive. The degree of frustration indicates an absence of
contact which, in turn, precisely indicates withdrawal from the challenge
of facing certain inner problems. This withdrawal from the challenge
of facing certain inner problems sacrifices personal fulfillment,
pleasure, love, and joy. Longing must remain unfulfilled when
sharing is wanted on the basis of receiving only according to one's own
terms; in this case the self is really (although secretly) unwilling to do
any sharing. People would be well advised to consider their
unfulfilled longings from this point of view, rather than indulging in the
usual assumption that one is unlucky and unfairly put upon by life.
One's contentment and fulfillment, specifically in regard to
relationship, is a much neglected yardstick of one's own
development. Relationship with others mirrors one's own state and
thus directly helps in one's self-purification. Conversely, it is
equally true that only by thorough self-honesty and self-facing can
relationships be sustained, feelings expand, and contact between human
beings blossom in long-term relationships. So you can see, my
friends, relationships and human contact represent a tremendously
important aspect of human growth.
The power and significance of relationship often represent severe
problems for those who are still in the throes of their own inner
dividedness. The unfulfilled longing becomes unbearably painful when
isolation is chosen due to the difficulty of contact. This can only
be resolved when one seriously settles down to seek the cause for this
conflict in the self without guilt and self-blame, because these
self-annihilating defense measures eliminate any possibility of really
getting at the core of the conflict. Looking within, plus the inner
willingness to change, must be cultivated to alleviate this painful trap
in which both available alternatives - isolation and contact - are
unbearable.
Fear of pleasure is largely connected with the problem of dealing with
others and facing one's rigid self-blindness. It is also important
to remember that withdrawal can be very subtle and may exist only on a
level of feelings outwardly unnoticeable and manifest as concealed
guardedness and false self-protection. Outer good fellowship does
not necessarily imply a capacity and willingness for inner
closeness. Inner closeness is too taxing a problem for many.
On the surface this seems to be due to a difficulty to cope with others.
Yet the difficulty actually lies in the self, regardless of how disturbed
others may also be.
When people of unequal spiritual development are involved with one
another, the more highly developed person always has the responsibility
for the relationship. I mean specifically that the more developed
person is responsible for searching the depths of the inner level of
interaction which may cause friction and disharmony between the
parties. The less developed person is not capable of such a search
and is still involved with blaming the other. He depends on the
other's doing "right" to avoid unpleasantness and frustration. Also,
the less developed person is always caught up in the fundamental error of
duality.
He sees any friction in terms of either he or the other
person being right. If he detects a problem in the other, this seems
to whitewash him automatically, although in reality his own negative
involvement may be substantially more important than what he sees in the
other person. Only the spiritually more developed person is capable
of realistic, non-dualistic perception. He may see that either party may
have a deeper problem, which does not eliminate the importance of the much
lesser problem of the other person. He will always be willing and
able to search for his own involvement when negatively affected by a
specific relationship, no matter how blatantly at fault the other person
may be. A person of spiritual and emotional immaturity and crudeness
always puts the bulk of blame on the other, whether or not he pays
theoretical lip service to the above mentioned process. This process
applies to any kind of relationship:
mates, parents and children,
friendship, business contact, or any other.
The tendency to make oneself emotionally dependent on others, which is
such an important aspect of the growth process, comes largely from wanting
to absolve oneself from blame or avoid the difficulty of establishing,
maintaining, and sustaining a relationship. It seems so much easier
to shift the bulk of this burden to others. But what a price to
pay! Doing this renders one helpless indeed. It brings about
precisely that state between the two undesirable alternatives of isolation
or unending pain and friction with others. Only when one begins
truly to assume self-responsibility by looking at one's own problem in the
contact, and by willingness to change, can freedom be established and
relationships become fruitful and joyous.
If responsibility for the relationship and looking for the core of
dissension within is refused, the more highly developed person will never
really understand the mutual interaction: how one problem affects
the other. The relationship must then deteriorate. It must
leave both parties confused and less able to cope with the self and
others. However, if the more highly developed one accepts this inner
spiritual responsibility, the other person will also be helped in a
subtle, possibly unarticulated way. If the developed party can
desist from the temptation to constantly belabor the other person's
obvious sour points and look into himself, he will further his own
development considerably and spread peace and joy around him. The
poison of friction will soon be eliminated. He will also make it
possible for himself to soon find others with whom a truly mutual growth
process is possible.
When two equals relate, both carry the full responsibility for the
relationship. This is indeed a beautiful venture, a deeply
satisfying state, of mutuality. The slightest flaw in a mood will be
recognized for its inner meaning and thus the growth process will be
maintained. Both will recognize their participation in this
momentary flaw, whether it be an actual friction or a momentary
deadness of feelings. The inner reality of the interaction will
become increasingly the more real one. This will do much to prevent injury
to the relationship.
Let me emphasize that when I speak of being responsible for the less
developed person, I do not mean that another human being can ever
carry the burden for the actual difficulties of others. This can
never be so. I mean that difficulties of the interaction in a
relationship usually are not explored in depth by the individual of more
primitive spiritual development. He renders others responsible for
his unhappiness and disharmony in a given interaction, and is not able, or
willing, to see the whole issue. Thus he cannot eliminate the
disharmony. Only the person who assumes responsibility for finding
the inner disturbance and its mutual effect can do so. Hence the
spiritually more primitive person always depends on the spiritually more
evolved one.
Contact between individuals should be severed when the destructiveness
of the less developed one makes growth, harmony, and thriving of good
feelings impossible, or when the contact is overwhelmingly negative.
As a rule, the more highly developed person assumes the necessary
initiative for ending the contact. If he does not, he needs to face
his unrecognized weaknesses and fears. If a relationship is
dissolved on the grounds that it is more destructive and pain-producing
than constructive and harmonious, it should be done when the inner
problems and mutual interactions are fully recognized by the person who
takes the initiative to dissolve an old tie. This will prevent the
initiator from forming a new relationship with similar underlying currents
and interactions. Also, the step of severance will occur as a result
of growth rather than of vindictive spite, fear, or escape.
The exploration of the underlying interaction and effect of a
relationship, where both peoples' difficulties are explored and accepted,
is by no means an easy process. But nothing can be more beautiful
and rewarding. Anyone who reaches the state of enlightenment where
this is possible will no longer fear any kind of interaction.
Difficulties and fear arise to the exact degree that a person still
projects on others his difficulties in relating and still renders others
responsible for anything that goes against his liking. This can take
many subtle forms. One may constantly concentrate on the faults of
others, an attitude which at first glance may even appear justified.
One may subtly over-emphasize one side to the exclusion of other
aspects. These and other distortions indicate projection, and a
denial of self-responsibility for difficulties in relating. The
person who pursues such a course becomes dependent on the other's being
perfect and will therefore feel let down, fearful and hostile.
My dear friends, no matter what wrong the other person does, if you are
disturbed, there must be something in you that you overlook. When I
say disturbed, I mean it in a particular sense. I do not speak of
clear-cut anger that expresses itself guiltlessly and does not leave a
trace of inner confusion and pain. I mean the kind of disturbance
that comes out of and breeds further conflict. Even though I have
warned you repeatedly about overlooking your own part in the conflict, you
find it most difficult to look within and find the source of the
disturbance within yourselves. Even you, my friends, who are
sincerely searching for liberation and unification within yourselves, are
still involved in deep projection in this area. One of the roles or
games we have discussed recently, as one of mankind's most favorite
tendencies, is to say, "You are doing it to me,"
making the other
person guilty. The game of making others guilty is so pervasive that
it constantly passes by unnoticed. It is so much taken for
granted. One human being blames the other, one country blames the
other, one group blames the other. This is a constant process at
this lower state of development. It is indeed one of the most
harmful and illusory processes imaginable.
Perhaps only a few of you can begin to see how you are doing this and,
when you see it, can only stop it here or there. Begin to question
this habit and cease placing the guilt on others, which always is a
hidden form of hostility and white-washing of the self. Blaming
gives one pleasure, although the pain and the insoluble conflicts that
follow are infinitely disproportionate to the puny, momentary pleasure.
I would now like to discuss the attitude of the recipient of this game,
rather than the enactor of it. He who executes this game harms
himself and others. I strongly recommend that you begin to be aware
of your blind involvement in this guilt-shifting game. But how about
the "victim"? How is he to cope with it? His first plight is
that he is not even aware of what is happening. Most of the time, it
happens in a subtle, emotional, and unarticulated fashion. The
silent, covert, indirect blame is being launched without a word being
spoken. The blame is expressed in many indirect ways.
Obviously, the first necessity is concise, articulate awareness.
Otherwise, the "victim" will unconsciously respond in equally destructive,
falsely self-defensive ways. Neither party really knows of the
intricate levels of action, reaction, and interaction until the threads
become so enmeshed that it seems impossible to disentangle the complicated
aspects of the relationship. Many relationships have faltered due to
unawareness of this interaction which contains many mutual reactions to
something one only vaguely feels.
The launching of blame and guilt spreads poison, fear, and at least as
much guilt as one tries to project. One who receives this blame and
guilt may react in many different ways, according to his own problems and
unresolved conflicts. As long as the reaction is blind and the
person is not conscious that guilt was projected on him, the
counter-reaction must also be neurotic and destructive. Only
conscious perception can prohibit this. Only when you see what
is happening will you be able to refute the burden placed on
you. Only then can you articulate and pinpoint it.
If a relationship is to blossom, one must look out for this pitfall of
guilt-projection so much more difficult to detect because it is so
widespread. Also, the recipient should look for it in himself as
well as in the other person. I do not mean a straightforward
confrontation about something wrong the other person did. I
mean that the subtle blame for personal unhappiness must be challenged.
The only way to avoid becoming a victim of blame and guilt-projection
is to avoid doing it yourself. To the degree you indulge in guilt
projection, you will be unaware of it being done to you. You will
therefore become victimized by it. You may blame and project guilt in a
different way than the one who does it to you. The mere awareness of
this interaction will make all the difference, whether or not you verbally
express your perception and confront the other person. You can only
refute someone else's guilt-projection to the degree that you
undefensively explore, face, and accept your own problematic reactions,
distortions, negativities, and destructiveness. Only then will you
avoid being drawn into a maze of falseness and confusion in which
uncertainty, defensiveness, and weakness make you retreat or attack.
Only then will you stop confusing self-assertion with hostility and
flexible compromise with unhealthy submission.
All these aspects determine the ability to cope with
relationships. The more these dynamics are profoundly understood and
lived, the more intimate, fulfilling, and beautiful human interaction will
become.
Unless you approach relating to others in the way described here, how
can you assert your rights, seek fulfillment and pleasure in the universe,
or love without fear? Unless you learn to relate honestly, thereby
purifying yourself there must always be a whip lurking in the dark when it
comes to intimate closeness: the whip of loading guilt on each
other. Loving, sharing, and profound and satisfying closeness to
others could be a purely positive power without any threat, when these
snares are looked at, discovered, and dissolved. It is of utmost
importance that you look for them in yourselves, my friends
The most challenging, beautiful, spiritually important, and
growth-producing relationship is between man and woman. The power
that brings two people together in love and attraction, and the pleasure
involved in it, are a small aspect of the state of being in cosmic
reality. It is as though each created entity knew unconsciously
about the bliss of this state and sought to realize it in the most potent
way open to humanity. That way is in love and sexuality between man
and woman. The power that draws them together is the purest
spiritual energy, which leads to an intimation of the purest spiritual
state.
However, when men and women stay together for a longer period of time
in a more enduring and committed relationship, the maintenance and
increase of bliss depends entirely on whether the two people relate to one
another in the terms discussed in this lecture. Are they aware of
the direct relationship of lasting pleasure and inner growth? Do
they use the inevitable difficulties in the relationship as yardsticks for
their own inner difficulties? Do they communicate in the deepest,
most truthful, self-revealing way? Do they share their inner
problems, and help each other, rather than placing mutual guilt on each
other and whitewashing themselves? The answers to these questions
will determine whether the relationship falters, dissolves, stagnates - or
blossoms. When you look at the world around you, you will
undoubtedly see that very few human beings grow and reveal themselves in
such an open way. Equally few realize that growing together and
through each other determines the solidity of feelings, of pleasure, of
enduring love and respect. It is therefore not surprising that
long-lasting relationships almost invariably are more or less dead in
feelings.
Difficulties that arise in a relationship are always a yardstick for
something unattended to. It is as though a loud message were being
spoken. The sooner it is heeded the more spiritual energy will be
released, so that the state of bliss can be expanded and grow along with
the inner being of both partners. A mechanism exists in a
relationship between a man and a woman that can be likened to a very
finely calibrated instrument that shows the finest and most subtle aspects
of the relationship and the individual state of the two people
involved. This is not sufficiently recognized by mankind, not even
by the most aware and sophisticated human beings, who are otherwise
familiar with spiritual and psychological truth. Every day and
every hour one's inner state and feelings are
a testimony to one's
state of growth. To the degree this is heeded, the interaction, the
feelings, the freedom of flow within and toward each other will
blossom. The perfectly mature and spiritually valid relationship
must always be deeply connected with personal growth. Whenever a
relationship is experienced as irrelevant to inner growth - left on its
own, as it were - it must falter, sooner or later. And that is the
fate of the majority of human relationships - especially the intimate one
between two mates. When a relationship is not recognized as a mirror
to inner growth, it gradually wears out. The first steam evaporates
and nothing remains. Either overt friction and dissension, or
stagnation and boredom will wreck what was once promising. Only when
each one grows to his ultimate, to his inherent potentials, can the
relationship become more and more dynamic and alive. This must be
done individually and mutually. A relationship that is approached in
this way will be built on rock, not on sand. Fear will never find
room under such circumstances. Feelings will expand. Security
about the self and each other will grow. Each day and each hour will
mirror the inner state of both partners and therefore the
relationship. Whenever friction or deadness exists, something must
be stuck and hidden - something that ought to be seen. Some
interaction between the two people must still be unclarified. If
this is understood and properly handled, growth will proceed at maximum
speed. Happiness, bliss, the feeling of meaningful
living, deep, profound experience and ecstasy will grow into forever
deeper and more beautiful dimensions. Conversely, fear of intimacy
implies rigidity and the denial of seeing one's own share in the
difficulties in relating. Anyone who ignores or pays only lip
service to these principles is not ready emotionally to assume the
responsibility for his inner suffering - whether it be within a
relationship or in a state where relationship is absent. Such
ignorance also brings about fear of one's feelings. The person is
still at the primitive juncture where he shifts guilt to others.
Fear and uncertainty make it impossible under such conditions to find
bliss and closeness - fearless closeness.
So you see, my friends, it is of the greatest importance to recognize
that bliss and beauty, which are eternal spiritual realities, are
available to all those who seek within their own hearts for the key to all
problems of human interaction, as well as to the problems of
loneliness. True growth is as much a spiritual reality as profound
fulfillment, vital aliveness and blissful, joyous relating. When you
are inwardly ready to relate to another human being in such a fashion, you
will find the appropriate partner with whom this manner of sharing is
possible. Relationship will no longer frighten you. It will no
longer beset you with conscious or unconscious fears when you use this
all-important key. You cannot ever feel helpless or victimized once
the significant transition has taken place in your life, when you no
longer render others responsible for what you experience, or fail to
experience. Thus, growth and fulfilled, beautiful living become one
and the same.
May you all carry with you new material for your work,
and the inner energy force awakened by your good will. May these
words be the beginning of a new inner modality to meet life, to finally
make the decision, "I want to risk my good feelings. I want to seek
the cause in me, rather than in the other person, so that I become free to
love." This kind of meditation will indeed bear fruit. If a
germ, a particle of this truth is being carried away by you tonight, it
was truly a fruitful evening. Be blessed, all of you, my dearest
friends.
The Guide
by Eva Pierrakos
Pathwork Guide Lecture # 180
"THE SPIRITUAL SIGNIFICANCE OF
HUMAN RELATIONSHIP" 1970
© Copyright 1970 by The Pathwork
Foundation.
